Handicapping the Dems’ ‘Bonfire of the Mediocrities’

With the standard caveat “It's waaaay early” (is that enough a's?) here's my analysis of the Democrat horse race so far.

Who am I to do this? Well, I was among the first to publicly predict a Trump victory, but so what? I was taking a flyer then and am now. But so is everybody else. So here goes.

But before I start, you will note I channeled Tom Wolfe by calling this the “Bonfire of the Mediocrities” because I don't think you could possibly find twenty-four duller individuals in a phone book (to channel William F. Buckley) than those running for the Democratic nomination. It's stunning, actually, and a sad commentary all by itself about our politics. Where are the Bobby Kennedys of yesteryear? I'd even take Hubert Humphrey, I'm so desperate. The best and the brightest? This is more like the worst and the dimmest — and I'm not just talking about Bill de Blasio and Eric Swalwell.

Further, there may be “nothing new under the sun,” but I have yet to hear a single idea with even an iota of originality from any of those “mediocrity-crats.” Everything is recycled as if copied from the back pages of a Sears catalog circa 1932 — copied being the operative word.

But enough of burying my lede. If you're going to take a flyer, take a flyer.

I PREDICT… drum roll… the Democratic candidate for 2020 will be… ta-dum… Elizabeth Warren.

Yes, yes, I know Joe Biden is currently the frontrunner in all the polls, but the man was last year's news in 1983. Besides the obvious endless plagiarism, icky handsy behavior, and the litany of corruption we all know about (Ukraine, etc.), can you imagine this dodderer negotiating with Xi Jinping? Trump's already dubbed him a “dummy” and, like many of Donald's nicknames, it may but rude, but it's accurate.

Nevertheless, Joe might be better than number two in the polls, Bernie Sanders (aka Woody Guthrie without the talent), who is a communist himself. (Oops, sorry. Democratic socialist — please to call it research.) Maybe he could teach Xi the words to “This Land Is Your Land,” if not him, Putin. Speaking of which, imagine the kompromat the Russkies have on Bernie. It might turn Adam Schiff Republican. But never mind, neither of the oldsters will make it to the finish line.

And, yes, I know Ms. Warren has already been written off by Trump and a host of others as Fauxcahontas, but that was so 2018. It's 2019 already and Warren is starting off pretty well. She's number three in the new Morning Consult poll, beginning to separate herself from a field of soon-to-be also-rans, not quite three with a bullet but getting there.

Warren's a hard campaigner and doesn't come off as stupid, which in this field says a lot. She's also the only woman with a shot, and that counts for even more in today's Democratic Party that is panting for a female candidate. Pair her with one of the Castro brothers (not Raul, but Julian or Joaquin) and the Dems have a ticket that will satisfy all the moral narcissists from the Upper West Side to Pacific Palisades.

But can they beat Trump? Well, that's another matter. But they can win the nomination because the real competition will not be able to run. Who is that, you ask? Well, none other than Michelle Obama, of course. Democrats are pining for her.

But there's a problem. And a big one. In fact, it's going to be a problem for the entire Democratic Party and those who can separate from it (like Warren, presumably) will be better off. I refer, of course, to Russia Probe 2.0 — far more dramatic than the first with actual arrests of principles in the offing — that is hurtling down the track like the runaway train at the end of Act 1 of Dr. Zhivago with Comrade Strelnikov at the helm.

Beware any officials (like several in the Obama administration) or politicians that are in its way. Just today we heard there were not just one, but two illicit dossiers being distributed in the fall of 2016, the newly-revealed one given by Obama State Department personnel to as yet unnamed friendly senators. (Ever wonder why Senator Warner has been so upset with William Barr lately… just thinking out loud here?)

Anyway… or should I say en todos modos… the real political action for the second half of 2019 will not be between the candidates, many of whose names will not even appear on Jeopardy. It will be about revealing the truth after two years of lies. Michelle will not want to get involved with this, for good reason. Neither will Oprah, by osmosis. Forget the popcorn. Get out the Beluga.

UPDATE: As a fellow Dartmouth grad, all I can say about Kirsten Gillibrand is she must have played one too many games of beer pong… with pool balls.

Roger L. Simon — co-founder and CEO emeritus of PJ Media — is an award-winning author and an Academy Award-nominated screenwriter. 

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Author: Roger L. Simon